Day by day plays are done.
Weighing myself every day is done.
Worrying about my weight every fucking second is done.
These past couple of days I was not my happy, motivated self.
My mom was home yesterday and decided it would be a good day to bitch at me, after a heated argument with a co-worker the day before. At least I didn't stress-eat. I don't like working out when my parents are home; I have to hole up in my hot, cramped room and they always bother me. So no workout. I have been drinking soda like crazy again. Like 2 cans a day, including today.
Today was pretty good though. It was a beautiful day and I got in an awesome 60 minute workout (cardio-50, weights-10). I pampered myself afterwards. Now I feel like complete crap, and I think it might have been the chicken I had for lunch. I can never tell when something has gone bad. :/
I just watched Greg's video and it got me thinking. I was going to comment, but realized I was ranting; it's blog material, I think.
I say it all the time: I want to lose weight. I hate being fat. I'm not happy like this. However, I continue to choose bad food; I continue to take a day off from working out. It's a continuous cycle that is slowly increasing my weight. Then I sit there, stuffing my face, and wonder what it's going to take to make me change. I get so pissed off at myself for not truly wanting to lose this weight. Because if I really wanted it I would do it; wouldn't I? Why do I continue to choose this life that I've hated since I was 4 years old? Why won't I change after having some scary experiences that clearly depict how unhealthy I am right now? Sometimes I wish I would just have a heart attack and die already. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live like this either.
I feel lost.
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We all feel this as at one time or another. It hurts right now but the motivation will be back. I promise.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Steph, I have just gotten my mojo back after quite a bit of a lull (months). I too also find when I obsess about food/exercise and say to myself it MUST be done I find every way possible to eat shit or to not work out. lucky for me i quite enjoy exercise and I have some good trainers that send me messages at 5am telling me to get my fat arse out of bed hahah... but when I decrease the pressure i put on myself to "eat perfect" or "i must workout everyday" I find that I actually eat much better and feel more inclined to workout.. weird how the human psyche works huh? I think we always strive to be perfect whenever we start a new plan or work towards new goals. yes it gets frustrating when we percieve that we are not doing the best we think we should be doing. but every little bit counts. I mean if you only have 1 softdrink (sorry, Soda!) today instead of 2 you have done better than yesterday... even if you have 2 tomorrow, you are still one down in the big scheme of things. Small moves Kristie, celebrate the small successes. you know you can do it because you did it the first week!
ReplyDeleteHave you considering moving out of the family home/into share acomodation or similar? It seems that your family's habits and your lifestyle there is making you angry, withdrawn and very difficult to do what you want to do to change your life for the better. sometimes you will need space to regroup your thoughts and feelings and then come back stronger to try and change/suggest new things to those you love!
Thank you so much Steph, you're right! And today I am sooo much better. <3
ReplyDeleteAnd thank you Kylie! That's awesome that your trainers send you messages to get you up and working out. lol And you're right on about the pressure to be perfect, it's weird how that actually makes us do worse. I was at a low point that night, but today is much much better. I wish I could move, but unfortunately I don't have the money to do so as of right now. Just have to make do with what I've got. Thank you again for this comment, I really appreciate it.
Love you both! <3